Sometimes people say the stupid things….right? Things that don’t mean to be insensitive; but are.
I found this to be true and very frustrating after my son turned 1. I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy in January of 2015. My pregnancy was rough and a little unexpected. I was told at a young age that it would be hard for me to get pregnant and keep a full term pregnancy. The 1st infertility appointment I had scheduled with my OBGYN revealed that I was pregnant!!!! My husband and I were so excited. I had to be put on several medications to be able to carry the baby full term and had some complications throughout my pregnancy; but everything turned out great!
At my 6 week check-up appointment (after my son was born) my OBGYN opened the conversation with me about having more children. He encouraged me to try sooner rather than later, because of my health and because he didn’t think that I would get pregnant so quickly again.
So a few months after my son was born my husband and I started trying again to conceive. The first several months with no luck came as no surprise to us and we were not that discouraged. However, after about a year of trying (really hard) to get pregnant I started to go a little nuts (I am sure all the hormone medication was no help to that).
After my son turned one casual acquaintances, friends from church and sometimes complete strangers would ask me if was going to have another baby (people who didn’t understand my situation). They would say “Oh, your son is so cute. When are you going to have another?” or “It’s about time to start trying again.” I understand that it can be assumed that since I have one baby that automatically I can have another…..right? Most of the time I would casually blow off the conversation with phrases like “yes, when the time is right.” Or “Yeah we are working on it.”
One time, though, I almost came unglued. I dear lady at church asked me about if I was going to have another child. I said that we would like to. She asked “when?” I responded “we are trying.” She replied, in an unsettling stern voice “well, try harder.”
I immediately felt my face flush. It took every part of my being to not freak out at her. Like…..TRY HARDER!!!!! I have been on several different hormones pills for over a year, I am going in monthly to have an ultrasound wand shoved up my crotch, I am peeing on either an ovulation test or a pregnancy test stick almost every day, I am crying myself to sleep most nights, driving myself and my husband insane, and marking calendars of my sex life……but no, I should try harder!
I felt the tears fill my eyes and I said “we are trying as hard as we can” and walked away. For those of you who know me…you should be clapping. Ha ha ha ha! Can you believe I didn’t say anything? The thing is, this lady is truly nice and I am sure she was just making small talk; but, when you are struggling with infertility it is not a small talk issue.
I write this for two reasons. #1, so that the women who struggle with infertility (at any level) know that they are not alone and that there are others out there who are trying to keep it cool, too. #2, for the women who are blessed with no infertility issues. Maybe they will be wise in the questions and comments they make when they don’t know someone else’s situation.
After 19 months of trying to get pregnant I was finally able to. Since we announced that we were pregnant several people have told us that our timing was great and that our kids will be spaced out perfectly (2 ½ years apart). Little do most of them know, that it was not our “timing it out perfectly” at all….but months and months of trying really, really hard. So for those of you who are trying to get pregnant, keep trying (if you want to). For those of you who are not trying but are curious about everyone else, choose your words carefully and kindly, please.