There are so many things I want to say to you, I’m really not sure where to start. Maybe I should start with I’m sorry, but I’m not. It was never my intention to take your place, however, you left me no choice. The decisions you made and the way you chose to live your life, left our children wanting and needing. They were craving attention, stability and security. What you left them with was a fear of abandonment and wondering. They wondered what they did wrong, why you didn’t want them, why you chose your wants above their needs.
That leads me to the next thing I want to say to you. I was angry and spent years trying to understand, to no avail. I watched our kids struggle with their mixed feelings for you and it made me angry. I held them while they cried, knowing there was no explanation I could give that could soothe them. The only thing I could say was “It’s not your fault” and “your momma loves you.” It was very difficult, but I finally got past the anger.
The more time that went by and the older our children grew, it seemed to get easier. Life was busy and although I know they never forgot about you, they put you aside. They made the decision to focus on what they considered more important things, the things that made a difference in their lives. That doesn’t mean they didn’t care, it just means they matured enough to realize the things they could and could not control. It definitely wasn’t easy and we had our ups and downs, but despite it all, they began to thrive.
They realized that the situation they were in, regarding their relationship with you, was not their fault. Although they used to question whether or not you loved them, they realized that you did love them, but you weren’t capable of showing it. They always wanted you to put them first and they realized that wasn’t something you were ready to do. They have hope that one day you will be able to do just that. Although they have hope, they also have fear. They know if they open up again, they’re opening up their hearts to the possibility of more hurt and unfortunately, they are not quite ready to take that risk. I pray that one day, they will be ready and that when they are, you will not hurt them.
I would also like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me three of the most amazing children. Any woman would be proud to call them her own. Thank you for allowing me to be their mother, to raise them, to educate them, to love them. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Lastly, I’d like to say that I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to know that we all make mistakes and God forgives us. I know that the kids have forgiven you as well. Just know, that although they forgive you, that doesn’t mean they are ready to accept you as the person you are. I pray that one day, you will be the mother that they know you can be. You’ve missed so much and as a mother, I can’t imagine not being with my children. I know you cannot get back the years you’ve lost, but I pray that one day, you will be able to have a happy, healthy relationship with all three of your babies.
Until that day, I will be here. I will be standing by them, along with their father, to make sure they are happy, healthy and loved.
May God be with you always.
Written by Know My Heart Diary