I stand outside of the second district court papers in hand and I feel this huge weight removed from my shoulders. My divorce was final. Never in my life did I expect to find myself through a divorce. Heck I didn’t think I would ever be going through a divorce, but here I am and it is finally final.

To the outside onlooker my marriage looked pretty good! We had a nice home, a car, a truck, atvs and other nice things.  What you couldn’t see from the outside was the fact that I had given all of myself to keep my marriage what I thought was happy and healthy. What I didn’t know was that as unhappy as I was trying to keep my spouse’s needs met he too was unhappy. My marriage had consumed me and I had become an empty soul that was going through the motions of what I though a wife should do. I cared for the home, made sure my husband’s wants and needs were met, and worked hard to insure that we had the appearance of a wonderful marriage.

It took me going on my 5th year anniversary trip alone to realize that the priority I had made my marriage was not the same priority my husband had. I was devastated the day I found conversation with another woman on his computer and I thought I would never heal. My heart was broken and I couldn’t continue to keep up the appearances I had worked so hard to build. I stopped making excuses for my spouse not joining me at family events and eventually worked up the courage to file for divorce.

I should have known that when he signed the divorce papers without reading them that he had long given up on our marriage. I just wish he would have let me know sooner so I didn’t expel so much energy on saving what I didn’t even know I had already lost.  

Now as I stand here outside of second district court I have found a new joy for life. I now see that being in a marriage doesn’t mean giving yourself up. It means working together towards a common goal and working as a team. This tragic event has taught me so much about the meaning of love and commitment.  It has been the most painful yet self-satisfying experience I have gone though.  I have learned that I am a stronger person than I ever fathomed I could be. I have survived and grown through an experience that at one point I thought was going to defeat me.  Till the relief of the burden I was holding against myself for the failure of my marriage was lifted off my shoulders I never knew the strength I had within myself. Till this moment I never knew myself.

 
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